Steven Wright Quotes About Justice
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
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For a while I didn't have a car . . . I had a helicopter . . . no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running. [slow glance upward]
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Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
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Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
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I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
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I bought a dog the other day. . . . I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. . . . "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
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