Funny Father Quotes

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  • If your dad is anything like mine, then you have no clue what to buy him for Father's Day. The only Father's Day tradition in my family is the annual conversation he and I have where I say, 'Hey, Dad, what do you want for Father's Day this year?' and he says, 'Nothing.' Then I ask my mom what I should get him and she says, 'He likes sandalwood soap, dangly jewelry and Chanel No. 5 perfume.'

    Mom   Fathers Day   Dad  
  • I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

  • My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

    Funny   Fathers Day   Dad  
  • My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.

    FaceBook post by Jeff Foxworthy from Jun 25, 2012
  • I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war.

    War   Choices   Twins  
    "Bush Twins Are at It Again". June 28, 2002.
  • My father didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

  • When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

    Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.121, Courier Corporation
  • You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

    Father   Years   Style  
  • One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.

    George Herbert (1836). “The works of George Herbert. containing Parentalia, the 2nd copy wanting the 1st sheet of vol.2].”, p.168
  • There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

    FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from May 09, 2012
  • Father's Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it's the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

    Dad   Father   Years  
  • The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

    Funny   Family   Dad  
    Bertrand Russell (1957). “Why I Am Not a Christian: And Other Essays on Religion and Related Subjects”, p.158, Simon and Schuster
  • Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

    Funny   Fathers Day   Dad  
  • The thing to remember about fathers is, they're men. A girl has to keep it in mind: They are dragon seekers, bent on improbable rescues. Scratch any father, you find someone chock - full of qualms and romantic terrors, believing change is a threat - like your first shoes with heels on, like your first bicycle I took such months to get.

    Girl   Daughter   Father  
    Phyllis McGinley (1968). “Wonders and surprises: a collection of poems”, Lippincott Williams & Wilkins
  • If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

    Funny   Fathers Day   Dad  
  • You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together.

  • The greatest gift I ever had Came from God; I call him Dad!

  • I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.

  • I always wanted to be a comedian, even when I was a little kid. I had a funny father who was in the news business, by the way. He was a radio news guy. So the news was always in my house, and funny was always in my house. It was sort of just baked into the DNA that I would do this for a living, but I can remember being less than 10 years old and dreaming about being a comedian.

    Dream   Father   Kids  
  • I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection.

    Sigmund Freud, James Strachey, Anna Freud, Carrie Lee Rothgeb (1961). “The Standard Edition of the Complete Psychological Works of Sigmund Freud”
  • A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

    Funny   Dad   Father  
  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    Happy   Fathers Day   Dad  
    "R.I.P. Rodney Dangerfield", October 6, 2004.
  • My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.

  • When Charles first saw our child Mary, he said all the proper things for a new father. He looked upon the poor little red thing and blurted, "She's more beautiful than the Brooklyn Bridge."

  • To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.

    Funny   Fathers Day   Dad  
    Ernest Hemingway (2008). “The Good Life According to Hemingway”, Ecco
  • Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

    "Late Night with Conan O'Brien", January 29, 2009.
  • If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.

    Fathers Day   Son   Earth  
  • Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

    Twitter post from Jan 09, 2010
  • Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

    "Biography/Personal Quotes".
  • A father is always making his baby into a little woman. And when she is a woman he turns her back again.

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