Jay Leno Quotes About Clinton
-
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
→ -
In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press is making a big deal out this thing with Newt but, hey, if anyone knows how to appear in public with a man she can't stand, it's Hillary.
→ -
Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?
→ -
President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, 'Joe Biden.'
→ -
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
→ -
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from her name, or drop the name Rodham. They can't figure out which one is more embarrassing.
→ -
Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over $500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.
→ -
It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.
→ -
They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.
→ -
Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican.
→ -
Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has.
→ -
As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden.
→ -
Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer.
→ -
I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"
→ -
President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way - liquored up in a cheap hotel room.
→ -
There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the other way. The only problem is when Hillary does look the other way Bill's having sex with a women over there too.
→ -
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.
→ -
President Clinton says he looks forward to the day a citizen can call the IRS and get the right answer to a question. I look forward to the day I can call the IRS and get a voice that says, 'Sorry, that number has been disconnected.'
→ -
The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about a back condition to keep himself out of the draft in Vietnam and then spent 10 months skiing. Well it sounds like he's done the impossible. He actually made Bill Clinton and George Bush look like war heroes.
→ -
At the G-20 summit, the White House accidentally listed a phone-sex line for journalists seeking an on-record briefing call for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. To which Bill said, 'Boy, did they get the wrong number.'
→ -
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
→ -
When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.
→ -
While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her decorator.
→ -
Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn't planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they're dead.
→ -
John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely.
→ -
President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off.
→ -
The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic party. Although Bill said today, in his experience, whenever Hillary enters the picture that's when the party ends
→ -
Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning for Davis, Bill is out here for Larry Flynt.
→ -
I guess we didn't even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said, 'An apology is not a sign of weakness.' And as President Clinton has taught us, an apology isn't even a sign you're sorry.
→ -
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
→
Related Authors
-
Arsenio Hall Actor -
Conan O'Brien Talk show host -
Craig Ferguson Talk show host -
Mavis Leno Philanthropist -
Jeremy Clarkson Broadcaster -
Bill Cosby Comedian -
Stephen Colbert Satirist -
Tim Allen Comedian -
Adam Carolla Comedian -
David Letterman Talk show host -
Jimmy Fallon Television host -
Bill Maher Comedian -
Jerry Seinfeld Comedian -
Ellen DeGeneres Comedian -
Jon Stewart Satirist -
Johnny Carson Host -
Don Rickles Comedian -
Larry King Radio host -
Steve Martin Actor -
Joan Rivers Television Personality