Funny Jokes Quotes
The best sayings about Funny Jokes that you can share on Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook and other social networks!
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A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
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Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
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The only time I've ever been mistaken for someone else is - and this arguable still - when a person came up to me on the boardwalk of Ocean City, New Jersey and said, "You look a lot like that guy from computer ads" and I said, "There is a reason because I am that guy," and the guy looked at me for a minute, laughed and said, "That's a funny joke, but you really do look like him." He thought I was not me.
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Anything that gets you to release the stress in your life and really laugh is worthwhile. It can heal the planet. It truly can, and it actually has.
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If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.
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Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
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I was worried on a personal level because I wanted to be slightly taller than I am, ideally. But I've now accepted it. Basically, I came to the conclusion a while ago that you can either be really bitter about it or you can make loads of funny jokes.
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Since I was a kid, I could make up stories, I could make up funny jokes and I could always do it. When I'm walking down the street or having dinner, ideas will hit me, and I write them down on matchbooks or napkins and throw them in the draw.
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In the 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said ‘looks like we’re a couple of peeing Toms.’ His angry silence is something I’ll never forget.
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A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.
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First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
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I often fake my death and then just show up at people's houses. They say 'that's a good one Thom' but I know maybe they don't really think it's a funny joke.
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I could have become a soldier if I had waited; I knew more about retreating than the man who invented retreating.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
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What doesn't kill you makes you smaller
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I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.
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It's like love making, the foreplay is the biggest part, the same thing as comedy. If you can frame your show in such a way that the funny jokes become funnier.
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At the time, it was a really funny joke [Fluffy] and I went back and forth with going against the joke or embrace it. I decided to embrace it and now we're talking about it, so it was a good call.
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There are two kinds of jokes - funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.
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I think my sense of humor is really dark and super twisted and stuff like that. It's like, "Is this a funny joke for real? Or am I just rich?" See? That was funny.
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All my cuts are always about three hours, at the start, mainly because any scene in the movie that's 90 seconds, I probably shot a five-minute version of. If you just extrapolate that through the whole movie, I have a very long version of every scene, usually because, if there's one funny joke, I'll shoot five because I don't know if the one I like is going to work. I'll get back-ups because my biggest fear is to be in previews, testing the movie, and a joke doesn't work, but I have no way to fix it because I have no other line.
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If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
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Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
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Top Authors
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Rip Esselstyn Activist -
Rick Lenz Actor -
Rip Taylor Actor -
Rob Mills Actor -
Richard Leider Author -
Richard Pascale Author -
Richard Twiss Author -
Rich Donnelly Coach -
Rob Cantrell Comedian
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Richard Kern Filmmaker -
Richard Lugar Former member of the United States Senate -
Richard Artschwager Illustrator -
Richard Engel Journalist -
Rick Moody Novelist -
Rineke Dijkstra Photographer -
Richard Henry Horne Poet
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Richard Huelsenbeck Poet -
Rita Dove Poet -
Richard Bentall Professor -
Robert A. Baker Psychologist
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Rich Mullins Singer-songwriter -
Rob Terry Television Actor -
Richard Gasquet Tennis player -
Rhonda Byrne Writer
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